It is 7:17pm on a supposedly friday summer evening in the u.k. I had a very troublesome week, it has been one of those weeks that chronicles everything you ever stood for. It questions the reality behind your decisons in life. It takes you down memory lane, making you aware of patterns and paradigms that significantly defines who you really are. While we at it, what natahniel hawthorne says comes to mind "No man for a considerable period can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which one may be true".
Scary isn't it.
The week started with accusations of cheating. A young girl i have given all, just to serve has let all hell loose, she couldn't convince herself that the latest twist in our transaction has to be for her own good. "I have not been fairly treated" she screams to whoever cares to listen. I was in the middle, i couldn't go forward, i couldn't back out. There is a valid reason why i think we should stop what we are doing, but i can't give all the information. It could have bad consequences for some parties i know. Then the exchange of words took a familiar path, "What did you use my money for?". The other parties thought i was courting her too much, "she should make her own decisions". Alas she is a baby. I was hurt, angry, sad. Golden Question: what have i done wrong? Is their a part of me that has gotten this wrong? note: the girl was a good friend.
Another young man's case was just terminated for no just reason by a partner. The partner was nowhere to be found. He won't pick up my calls, but he would pick up other people's calls. The client is going ballistic. I was in the middle again. It wasn't my fault, but i feel responsible. What have i done wrong again?
"Adults are big children, who tend to lose their in-born trust in life and people over time. They end up as caricatures of intelligence but insensitive souls" i quipped albeit to myself. I have done many good things for these people but it is of no significance now, they agreed. Heads dropped, soul sad i ventured into the weekend hoping i will have a real cause to be happy.
So is their a pattern here,do i need a paradigm shift. Am i expecting too much from mankind. My small brain can only ponder.