Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Its just dawning on me: I cannot sleep

It is 1.43 am guys and i cannot sleep. This should be about the strangest thing in life. I am one of those people who can sleep all day, but i have not been able to sleep in recent times.

I need to give you a premise though. I am one of them carefree people, not loose. ( i could be strict and unreasonable). All of a sudden the things i do not care about, things of seemingly insignifiance before are suddenly becoming significant. All of a sudden i am getting to a place where my fear of my dreams not actualising is dragging me down, not that the fears are new, they are just typical fears but it is dragging me down, down down now. I am one of those people classified as larger than life attitude( not that i am yo-yo, or anything ooo, sure i am not), who could go on and on rambling about my dreams at any opportunity given. You will never catch me unawares with any question. i will magnanimously offer an idea, a little thing to think about at the earliest opportunity given by anybody. Here i am now a little timid to share my dreams, feeling its bigger than me, and i just might be laughed at by unbelieving gentiles(as if true dreams are really trully understood by anybody except the dreamers themselves).

In the name of objectivity, the basic focal point of continued human existence has been thrown to sea. I find myself flowing in the same direction. I know my values, i still ardently adhere to them but i am not convinced they are necessary that much again, to a level of sharing it, or insisting on it, when i am dealing with people. Instead i objectively allow evil prevail in my surroundings. Now i cannot sleep.Can you imagine !!!!!

For hours i go without food, yet one of the major focal points of my destiny is becoming clearer to me. I thought i will be excited, but i am scared. I am losing faith in people, and the basic instinctive goodness in people. I tell you what, everybody is good, or has the potential to be good. What is wrong with me. Fear is crippling me, fear is denying me sleep.

I think i have been very fortunate in life, i ahve not really gone through any dramatic experience(you know those types we see in sandra bullock movies) just recently lost my grandparents. Never really lost anybody close. Now my story is sounding like those pastors that relate how God called them to Ministry. Anyways koko of the matter i can't sleep. Help me!!!

If you have hints to help, give. If not, pray for me. By the way it is 2pm now. I must be at my table for 9pm. i must lead by example, but i can't sleep. Am i going thru. a mid-life crisis(jero at 2?)